I’m officially allowed to exercise!!!! I got cleared today by my doctor. After 5 months I can now finally exercise and begin taking yoga classes. A part of me is screaming of happiness because everyone is so proud of me and another part is just telling me that I’m getting fat. So I don’t know which to believe, my weight that keeps going up is scaring me:/ I gained a pound and a half in one week:(
My mind is viciously running through thoughts telling me that I’m fat and worthless and should starve because my ex friend is getting all the attention for being skinny. She’s so sick, you can see it. Just how she looks, you can see the evil eating disorder right on her shoulder and here I am standing having to battle
Mine everyday and do the opposite of what it says. I don’t have the freedom to slip up, I lose weight it’s either the hospital or being send away and a part of me hates that so much because she can just keep losing weight and denying anything is wrong with her. Just like I did. The competive side of me gets sickened when I see her because I want to be skinnier, I want to look thinner. I want people to say look how skinny she is. I don’t know why this happens, it’s hard to explain. I tried to tell my mom and she said that its hard for me because I see my reflection on her and what i did to everyone around me. And you know what it’s not that, it’s the fact that these past few months I’ve been through hell and back. Barley eating to get myself by in the beginning and my friend saw how miserable i wad. She watched me and she saw what happened, and she just goes and does the same thing. I have immense triggering feelings right now. She is a trigger to me so badly I just want to run and escape my own disgusting body. I have to gain, she gets to lose and lose and lose. As I’m writing this I’m realizing how sick this sounds but I just can’t help it. No I don’t miss being dead, I don’t miss being freezing 24/7 but I miss being skinny. I just need to remind myself that no matter how low my weight got I still looked in the mirror and saw fat. I usually don’t get triggered easily but this girl does it to me. I should probably worry about myself and my own recovery but its so hard when you witness someone going through what your battling and getting away with it. I’m sorry I am a failure and just plain fat. Nothing else.
I hate the competitive side of this eating disorder so much.
I don’t want to gain anymore weight I’m already so huge I can’t take my body anymore
Me: My thighs are so big, I’m so fat.
*goes to the kitchen and still eats night snack*
Ohhh i forgot to say! And for dinner yesterday me and my mom got food from a vegan food truck outside! Ate Unknown cals the whole day! Big achievement! Anyways i got a seiten burger on a roll and my mom got a tofu sandwich. Trying to get her to go vegetarian 0_o haha
I went to a vegan festival in the city yesterday and it was the most amazing eye opening experience of my life. There were MILLIONS of samples of different types of delicious vegan foods, and guess what i had i TRIED IT ALL!!!! So many different types of food raw foods, raw vegan cheese cake, chocolate, espresso ice cream, fake meats, raw chocolate pudding, raw crackers, soy whip, vegan marshmallows, lots of different bars, smoothies and so much more. I had a little regret but i didn’t let my eating disorder ruin my day. I felt so normal, walking around, eating and sampling everything. EATING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, without thinking “there going to think im so fat eating all of this.” I felt so alive and free from my eating disorder. I did question how much i was eating a couple times and how i started to feel a little guilty but my mom reassured me that everything was okay and that it was all healthy and vegan anyways! I sat down with my platter of raw food from this booth after eating all the samples (and of course i went back for more once i was done) and my mom was texting me dad saying i was having a blast. From the corner of my eye i could see my mom crying, and she started shuffling through her bag, probably so i didn’t see her and then she looked at me and said “You don’t know how good it feels to see you eat.” That really opened up my eyes. Me and my mom had such a great day and i ate everything without my eating disorder ruining it. I even did a 1 hour yoga class there which felt so amazing. I felt so relaxed and serene after i was done. I got tons of goodies (that i will post maybe today :) And i just had such a great time.
I realized how i need to learn to except my body the way it is. It felt so good for a day to just leave my eating disorder behind and have fun. Of course at night the guilt started to kick in and i kept grabbing my thighs and stomach regretting how much i ate. My mind tried to convince me that i was going to gain a ton of weight overnight. So i read a little bit more of “Life With Ed” and then i went to sleep. And guess what, i woke up today and i don’t think i gained weight overnight even though my mind tells me i’m fat and i did. It made me so happy to see my mom happy. She kept saying ” i love seeing you eat” and “i wish they had something like this every weekend.” I want to recover, even though some days are so hard and some days are easier, you can’t give up in recovery you need to keep going, be strong, and fight back! We can all do this.